You will never understand
I always let you hang up the phone! But I don’t suppose you are ever going understand why…
Is it too much?
I keep on asking myself that, but at the same time I am compelled to think, am I even trying to find that right person. What if that right person has already left me? Can I find her again? Can she be someone else? Am I even capable of giving her the love she deserves?
Perhaps time will tell. Or perhaps, I don’t want to find it out, not ever. Am I really that scared? I mean what worst can happen?
I remember the first episode of F.R.I.E.N.D.S, when Ross is worried about “grabbing a spoon”. Well he was lucky enough to grab his. But when am I going to grab mine?
Beauty and Peace
So I am again in a mood to write. Thanks to this outstanding art which forced me to enter the deepest corners of my heart and come out with a singular thought.
What came first in my mind when I gazed upon this beautiful creation is a human being staring endlessly at the horizons, waiting for someone (or perhaps something) to approach her. Buried deep within her thought is perhaps what she desires the most but yet to come out. As she solves the riddles of her own mind, she comes closer and closer to her desire and the very thought of it intoxicates her. She becomes happy, she smiles; yet a shadow of curiosity, excitement and more over amazement leaves a mark on her lips.
No, she is not looking at you, neither is she looking at me. Her eyes are hiding something very significant. Perhaps something special only to her. Her only unique in this vast universe. It is impossible for someone else to look deep into her eyes and explore her hidden desires. Perhaps, it can be read by only one person, and that person is only what she desires.
I do not know why, but she has intoxicated me as well. I can already feel her viral thoughts, coming up straight through my spine giving goosebumps as it reaches my heart. I am again going to spend a sleepless night and I am grateful for that. I thank the creator of this beautiful art which has helped me find a path to my inner peace.
A letter to myself
It’s been quite a few days and I am not sure why I am writing this. I am not even sure if it is a confession or questions to myself. I do not believe in almighty. It is just for weak people. I make my own future, I give meaning to my own life. The choices I make are entirely my own. Maybe sometimes I rationalize too much, maybe sometime I choose out of my gut, but still, those are my own. I do not follow destiny, rather make mine. I do not listen to someone and do what I am asked to do. I do, what I want to do.
I don’t know where I am going with this. Neither am I thinking for a second time before writing all this. I guess that’s the point of all these anyway. I want to break free from my self made rationalized world and just want to follow where it takes me. I want to break loose. I don’t want to judge myself anymore. I don’t want to be the architect of my future. I don’t care what is going to happen tomorrow or 2 seconds later. I just want to live in the present for sometime, not struggle in my future.
I rationalize my actions with as much logic as possible. I do not make quick decisions, or even if I do, I prepare myself for the consequences. I believe in love, but only if it does not come in the way of what I think I must do for a better future. Yes, I am selfish, but who is not? Atleast I try not to hurt or involve anyone else with my selfishness. Yeah, you might be thinking I am rationalizing, but would it be wrong if I did? I don’t think so.
I believe I can not be bullied by smartness, I only embrace them. I can not be won by anything except if I want to. I stick to my decisions, but I am quite open minded. I like the flexibility of life and try to make the most out of it. But one thing I do not do is deviate from my goals. Priorities change over time, but what we really want to do does not. If it could, it would then be possible to change the kind of persons we are. But that doesn’t happen frequently, even if it does, I do not see how anything good can come out of it (given that you are pretty much satisfied with yourself).
All that being said, it is really hard to stick. Especially when you see several loopholes or shortcuts in your path. Like I said before, I do not believe in destiny, so I do not believe in shortcuts either. But when I see it, sometimes, I stop for a while and think, am I really supposed to take it? Whether I take it or not, would make me the person I will be tomorrow. Now I know where my own path would take me, but what about the shortcuts? Can they be trusted? And I always come back with the answer “NO”. I am writing all these today, to ask what would’ve happened if I had taken those “alternative” paths. I mean, what worse could happen? The path might be made up by someone else, but it would still be me walking down that road.
I guess the answer lies within my question itself. Earlier, I have proudly said that I like to take my own decisions, make my own path, in other way, I am a control freak and that gives me almost a “regret free life“. Just before my semester exams, I used to study only for a week or even less, and still would come up with a nice score. Not because that would prove me genius or something, but because I knew I had/have the capability to do it. I didn’t take any shortcuts, I did what I had planned to do. Now, if I am to take some other path, which I didn’t plan to, but just came up on my journey, and something bad happens, I’d regret. And I hate that. It is just the kind of a person I am.
But still, I just can not get it out of my head… All these silly questions to which I know the answers. What really could’ve happened. Why I can not (shall not) take a leap of faith. I remember shading some tiny amount of tears after the end of some movies. Well, that didn’t do any harm. But then again, I knew it wouldn’t do any harm. But what about other choices? Is it bad to live with some regrets? Does one really have to be the kind of a control freak I am?
I think it is just who I am. And clearly I am not completely happy with being “me”. Although I do not have many regrets, but I do have doubts. For one thing I do not open up to people too much. What if I did? I do not go crazy doing completely shitty things. What if I did? I take my life very seriously. What if I didn’t?
The answer is simple. I know what I will lose if I put yes to all these questions, yet I am not sure what I will gain, or to be more precise, whether it’d be worthy or not.